Observations from the Field: Feeling Like an Egg

Sometimes, it’s difficult to know when you are in it deep.

This is my experience.  As a “civilian” under the care and protection of a coalition of military and police units, me and my fellow civilians were often viewed, as told by a company of Canadian soldiers, as a precious “Egg”. An Egg that they “pack and deliver like a UPS truck” and needed protection because we brought seemingly mythical and profound insights on governance, rule of law, and economic development–all the elements necessary to stabilize Kandahar, Afghanistan.

Having escaped the ultimate sacrifice, I admit being an Egg had its guilty pleasures.  I was intoxicated by a steady feed of adrenaline, booze, nicotine, and hope.  My cynical self says I rode Uncle Sam’s coat tails in service of war and country.  It feels very uncomfortable to say this.

My experience in Afghanistan confuses me.  Things I know: I had good intentions and believed in positive change, I worked fucking hard, I willingly sacrificed relationships, I admired the men and women in uniform, I mourned with many, I flew in the heavens, distancing me from the people and communities I was meant to serve.  I wrote well-intentioned strategic plans, underpinned by deadly assumptions.

Some people feel sad for me and everyone involved.  Others admire my service.  I’m left disturbed and grateful.

The photographs and video represents my experience with hyper-masculinity.

I was lucky that this was my experience.  Too many were not.

v/r

Clint Fenning